Episode 3: Welcome to the United States and off to school.  This episode continues background that is foundational to the podcast ….and stories up to going off to school.  The episode is primarily based on a journal that Mom kept and stories that were shared through the years.  

I’m testing an episode photo.  The photo is my kindergarten school picture and one of my favorites.  It was always displayed in my office…. The last 10 years, it’s been stored in my safe  because it has faded considerably to light.  I think I need glass like they use for the Mona Lisa!

To transition from Episode 2, this is the continuation of my background because it’s vitally important to share who Bill and Barb Terwilliger were.   William Richard Terwilliger and Barbara Ann Holton grew up in Ellenville, New York.  Ellenville is a beautiful and quaint village in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains.  The village is just under 100 miles North of New York City.   Growing up and visiting our grandparents, I remember there was just one flashing caution light at the corner of Main Street which is Route 209 and Center Street.   Today it’s a full stop light.   I also remember entering the village up Route 209, the gas station, I think it was a Mobile station, on the left was owned by Uncle Marvin.  Sadly, that station is now closed.  Ellenville was a predominantly Jewish community.  While both the Terwilliger and Holton families were Christian; through our visits, we were positively exposed to a religion different than our own. 

Bill Terwilliger was one of two sons of Benjamin and Grace Terwilliger.  We called them Grandma and Grandpa.  Grandpa was a banker who rose to the presidency of the bank from a humble background.  Grandma was a kindergarten teacher and because Ellenville is a relatively small village; everyone knew her because they were in her class in their early years. 

Barbara Holton was the eldest child of Eugene known as Gene and Beatrice known as Bea Holton.   We called these grandparents, Grammie and Poppy.  Poppy’s Mom, Eleanor Craw, was living during our entire childhood and we called her MeMa.  She passed in 1990 at 101 years of age.  

Poppy’s service in the Marine Corps shaped much of who he was.  He was a tradesman with expertise across a wide spectrum of skills in building and industrial occupations.  Grammie worked as s secretary for a big financial firm in New York City and in Ellenville, at local retail establishments.  Her vision failed markedly over time.  By the time I was a teenager, we learned from her experience …of her diminished sight and how her disability was overcome through her resilience. 

 I have very fond memories of both visits to…and from my grandparents that will be included in episodes going forward.   Knowing that some children don’t grow up with experiences from grandparents, these certainly were treasured times.   My parents certainly had their values engrained from their parents, especially the values of hard work, integrity, and compassion; as did we as their grand-children.  I remember being scolded by both Grandma and Grammie as well as learned from my each of my grandparents through stories of their life experiences.  

The Terwilliger background was Dutch.  In fact, Grandpa traced the family back to two brothers who came to the United States in 1663.  He had a particular interest because Evert Terwilliger’s house was sold to Josiah Hasbrouck in 1805 and Grandpa’s heritage traces back to both families as his full name was Benjamin Hasbrouck Terwilliger.   On the Holton side, Grammie (who’s maiden name was Farrell), was known for her pride in her Irish heritage.  St Patrick’s Day was well celebrated and my memories are vivid.  Like Grammie, Mom had red hair and certainly had strong Farrell family physical traits.  

I don’t recall the story of how Bill and Barb met.  They courted for a short time before getting married on November 27, 1954.  Mom was a 19; Dad was 22.     

Dad was a high school music teacher, with a particular passion for brass instruments and the organ.  Mom…was a telephone operator before becoming a stay at home Mom as the family grew rather quickly and her selfless commitment to her children was both who she was …..and how she viewed her role as wife and mother. 

So, Mom and Dad grew up in a small tight-knit village with solid family values.  At the same time, they also had little personal experience with medium and large city life.  Certainly, that’s not a negative.  It’s a comment about the lens through which they raised their children and lived their lives.   I think one of the most valued perspectives of growing up and living in a small town was trust in those around you.

Remember from the last episode that Mom read an article in Reader’s Digest about Harry Holt’s quest to bring children from Korea to the United States.  

Their own quest came to fruition in 1958 and I arrived pretty ill due to the lack of proper nutrition!   The first time that Grandma saw me, she said that I looked like “ a poor picked bird.”  

Weighing in a 7 1/2 pounds at 2 and a half months of age, my life took a turn to better health as  I was 20 pounds by the end of the year; and pictures of me show a very healthy, chubby little boy!

The first Christmas came five months into my new life.  Grandma Terwilliger started a tradition with her first grand-daughter and continued it with all her grand-children.   She made Christmas stockings out of felt to hang on the real or imagined fireplace.  Mine said Tommy and it is the only evidence of that particular version of my name.  

So, as you saw from the photos posted, my hair pretty much stuck straight out and that was the impetus for a nickname that wouldn’t be fully adopted by me for many years.  The observation that Grandma made was that since my hair was spikey,  my nickname should be spike.  Now, I don’t know if Grandma’s comment shaped this or not — growing up, as you will see in photos up to my high school graduation; that I always had a crew cut.  Yet, my brothers all had longer, typical length hair.  When I asked Mom about this throughout the years, she would say that my hair grows straight out and that’s why I had a crew cut.  Well, when I went into the military, I let it …grow - somewhat skeptical — and guess what?  It didn’t grow straight out!  HMMMM….

— STOP — INTERLUDE

Obviously, I don’t recall much from those first years and I have often wondered how my brother coped as a two-year old.  Here was a toddler coming to a new place where those around him didn’t speak a language he could understand, an environment different from what he was used to;  and people who didn’t look like those who cared for him.  Some of the early photos of us has him wide-eyed and understandably, perhaps a little bewildered.  For me, I was likely just happy to be fed and kept warm.  They say your brain blocks out the most unpleasant events of your life.  I suspect that happens to many young children who are adopted from a non-English speaking country, especially those who might have had a less than positive start to life.  

Mom often shared this funny story.  As young parents in a small town with an instant family, neighbors and relatives would come to see and meet the children from Korea.  Long Lake was about 200 miles North, Northwest of Ellenville, so both sides of the family often made the trip to visit.  Remember that Mom was part Irish with reddish hair and Dad’s background was Dutch.   Maybe it was because my brother was a toddler and certainly more active than an infant laying in my Mom’s arms or in a bassinet.  Several would say to Dad that my brother, Rick, “looked like him.   Okay, he didn’t …but what do you say, as an expression of assurance to a new father.  Someone thought that Mom wasn’t getting as much attention as Dad.  As she sat in the back yard holding me, they said…..“and Barb, Tom looks JUST LIKE YOU.”  She liked telling that story!   

The early childhood is short on memories.  Times were a lot different in those years and quite frankly through most of my young life.   This was a time long before mobile phones with cameras and social media - life was a simpler time and lived day by day — perhaps even more personal. 

Mom’s journal says that I was sitting at 5 months, said dada…. no mo…. and hi at 10 months.  This was also the point that I was waving my hand and shaking my head yes and no.  By 14 months, I was walking - so watch out world - … here … I come! 

Another story that Mom often shared was that while I liked drinking out of the bottle; when it came time to start baby food; I wasn’t thrilled with it, so she would process it and put food in the bottle!  If baby food was anything like it is today, no wonder I didn’t care much for it!  I mean really, have YOU smelled baby food?

Mom was both creative and artistic.  She was a talented artist, although that sadly went by the wayside once the family started to grow.  There is one water-color painting that hung in our house that I very much wish I had a picture of.  It was a painting of a faded red barn that was badly in need of repair.  The roof was sagging and the setting was out in an overgrown pasture.  It was framed in a rustic brown wooden frame.  

One of her early family projects was to make play clothes for my brother and me.  She would make us patchwork shorts and shirts using a different panel of cloth for each of the four panels.  From photos, they were very cute indeed.  

Continuing a bit on her creativity; she made several Christmas ornaments in those early days for the tree.  One that I remember most vividly was made from a whole egg shell from when you make a small hole on either end and blow out the contents.  The beard and mustache was made from bits of cotton balls with eyes made from felt and a red felt hat on the top complete with a tiny cotton ball on the end.  They, of course, were quite fragile yet some of them survived for 35 years.

—- STOP for MUSIC

As medical  science evolved, Mom and Dad learned there was a possibility they could have natural children.  In 1959, Mom was pregnant.  Sadly, the child didn’t survive.  Her name was Jeanne Marie and is laid to rest in Long Lake.  I can’t imagine the pain of loosing a child for a young mother.  There will be a poignant story in a future episode when Mom and I went back to Long Lake.   

In 1960, I became a citizen!  The court was in Ulster County; so it looks like we went back to Ellenville or started the process in Ellenville.   The photo from my naturalization certificate  is posted and as you can see, Dad had to sign my name for me.  Come on, I was 18 months old and couldn’t even sign my name?  I guess they let anyone become a citizen back then!!

Time passed, and in 1960, they learned that she could have a child if born early at 7 months.  So, the family grew.  A girl was born in 1960 and a boy in 1961.  That would be the last possibility for any more natural children.  So, from 1958 to 1968; including Jeanne Marie; the family grew from two children  to nine.  All the adopted children were from Korea through Holt except one who was a mixed Native American child adopted from within the United States.  Except for me, all of the adopted children were school aged.  I’ll share some of the experiences of how this family grew, interwoven in the next two episodes.

The next few years are sparse on stories because I’m sure that my brother and I were typical young boys, running around, causing trouble and learning.  In addition, Mom and Dad has two new infants, Karen and Mark, to nurture. 

Apparently, when I was outside enjoying nature, I was able to catch grasshoppers in the yard and … I would apparently eat them as a little snack.  I’m 

G L A D  that I got that out of my system!   A trait that sticks with me still is that I didn’t like getting my hands or clothes dirty.  After all, neatness counts!

Our first pet was a little dog.  His name was Pepper.  As some kids are, there were foods that we just don’t like.  For me, it was lima beans.  I still don’t like them.  As Mom would tell the story, I would fill my mouth with the lima beans like a chipmunk, go off to the bathroom and spit them in the toilet.  Now, clearly my parents knew what I was doing though kids think they are clever and well, maybe not so much.  Anyway, my brother took a different approach with what he didn’t like.  He would feed it to Pepper.  What he didn’t realize is that when Pepper no longer wanted to eat the food, a small pile of food would collect on the floor!  Pepper was a pretty cool dog and had one very special talent.  He could catch flies.   

Before I started Kindergarten, Dad got a new job teaching music at Ellenburg Central School so we moved from Long Lake to Ellenburg Center,  New York.  Ellenburg Center is about two hours north northeast and just about 20 minutes from the Canadien border in northern New York State.  The population was about 1900, had ONE  flashing yellow light at Main Street on a tri-angular corner!  It was truly small town America. 

The Ellenburg house was a typical two-story red brick house with a substantial back yard.  Because we moved when I was very young, we integrated quickly into the then..  all-white neighborhood.  I mention this only because as time progressed; you’ll see how the next move was to a town that we didn’t grow up in and how that impacted my life.  

Passing toddler-ship and moving on to school-age, since my brother was two years older than I was; at the time I was ready to go to kindergarten, his job was to make sure that I got on the bus to come home.  So, off to school we went. 

Oh no, PAUSE my brother shows up at home and I was nowhere to be found!   Of course, that didn’t go well and Mom rushed to the school.  Alas - where was Tom.   The teacher was sure I got on the bus… a search ensued.  Finally, there I was, sleeping under one of the tables that happened to be pushed back into a dark corner in the room!  I liked to nap then and like to nap now.  In fairness, school can be so exhausting for a little tyke!  

You may remember that Mom was active in the Holt Families, the community of families that adopted Korean children.  Well, her skills with the sewing machine was to make a “traditional” Korean outfit for us.  All I remember about mine was that the silk vest was blue.  At some point, the local TV station learned about our family and so we were on TV!  I am pretty sure that I was in the second or third grade.  The show was taped and when it came time to air, the school had an assembly so everyone could watch the episode.  On the show, the question that I was asked was how I liked school, a typical question for a youngster.  I said that I didn’t like my teacher very much … and of course, the producer didn’t edit that out… yes, it was broadcast to the entire assembly.

In Lady Gaga’s song, “Born this way,”

She says:  Ooh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was born this way —- 

I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way

This song is a song emphasizing that love is love no matter who you love.  It’s also a song that simply says that we are all born who we are… and that is across many spectra.  In an interview, Lady Gaga said that the chorus is about espousing self-acceptance in general.   We are turning the corner with my story because the events after elementary school and frankly, through to today, shaped and continue to shape a phrase that I’ve time and time again said in hundreds of speeches.  When I’ve been kicked down, I’ve always tried to dust myself off and move forward.  It’s not always been easy.  Sometimes it has been down right difficult.  

PAUSE 

In closing, I share this story.   When I was at an airport about 20 years ago; I saw a number of relatively young Asian children with what looked like a group of young people, mostly women.  We started a conversation because I saw a folder that said Holt International.  I learned that they were escorting children from Holt to new parents!  It was pretty amazing to listen to their experience helping bring these children to new families.  The way it worked was that the volunteers would get free travel to Korea with the obligation to be part of the escort team.  From Grandma Holt’s books, many of the earlier escorts were people associated directly with the orphanage and the adult Holt children themselves.  I call them angels of hope.  

Some of the photos with this episode include Mom and Dad’s wedding announcement, my Christmas stocking, a cute Christmas cowboy and others from the first five or six years.  A very special one is the first family photo with Mom, Dad, and the boys!

These photos are now posted on my twitter and instagram accounts.  
This episode is dedicated to my grandparents; Benjamin and Grace Terwilliger and Gene and Bea Holton.    

Episode 4 is next, Family In Transition and here come the Animals.  This will share how the family grew, stories about some of our adventures, and in about 1970, another move that would change our lives forever!  For me, it very likely was the biggest impetus that created who I am as an adult.  You won’t want to miss it!   

Thank you for sharing and also please like on Apple Podcasts, regardless of your favorite listening platform as that helps get the podcast moving!  Thank you again for tuning in and we’ll see you soon!

The Boy in the Trash Can Podcast is a production of CSJ Associates.